I first formulated this question when I had my thirty day Ignatian retreat in Cebu. The profound desire to meet the Lord had in many instances became my motivation to pray and to get into the different prayer and reflection periods. I did really desire to see the Lord like that of the experience of Thomas and of Mary Magdalene. Thus I persistently asked in my prayers: Where Is the Lord?
After a long period of searching the Lord, I have found the answer. The answer is not so much accidental but spiritual. The Lord is in the Church, I believe! The Risen Lord is alive in the Church, in the teaching of the Church, in the hierarchy of the Church and in the people of the Church in general. Although, the Lord can be present anywhere and everywhere by His power, he is ever present in the Church. As I write this dogmatic synthesis I am challenged, as man of the Church, to love the Church all the more.
This dogmatic synthesis does not only enrich me academically, but more importantly it enhances my spiritual being as person responding to the love of God in the priesthood. In the process of writing this dogmatic synthesis, my faith is deepened and my vocation is strengthened more than ever. This dogmatic synthesis has convinced me that the priesthood I have chosen to live is not about societal appreciation, power and wealth but a humble service to the Lord Jesus who suffered, died and was risen. It is a life of total dedication to the cross of Jesus and a life of modest submission to the Divine will.
The Dogmas that I have studied in the past five years of theological formation is better understood now in the light of faith and love; instead of just memorizing it as a matter of academic requirements. I come to appreciate how lovely God is in the teachings of the Church and that I am more motivated to go deep in my knowledge of theology not so much because I need to pass and have high grades but because I need to impart this to people and for them to have salvation too. It is only through undergoing this writing of my dogmatic synthesis that I realize how important theology is in the life of the priesthood.
It is through theology that I dare to ask: Where is the Lord? Thus it is also through theology that I could answer this question of faith. In my thirty day retreat, my only desire is to see the Lord, so to speak. And the first step in seeing the Lord is not praying but questioning where he is. And in the process of questioning I need to consider my personal self. Through deep prayer and reflection I realize that it is not easy to find the Lord. It is not easy to find the Lord when there are a lot of things that hinder us to find him. More importantly, it is not easy to find the Lord when we, ourselves, are the first to hamper our quest for Him.
In my search to find the Lord in my 30-day retreat, I faced my own battle. As I went on board in my spiritual journey, I realized that the great enemy I had in this battle was my self. While I had the ambition to conquer myself, I believed, unless it was done with determination, this ambition was an exercise of futility. The words of Alexander the Great that goes, ‘I come, I see, I conquer’ seemed to be an impossible dream to apply it to my own. Conquering was far remotely possible if I had not yet come to my senses. Conquering was an ambition of the blind if I had no courage to see.
Purified by prayers and contemplations, I come to know that the first step of achieving victory over the self is listening. Thus, I learn to value the virtue of listening. Yes, listening is a virtue! To try to listen is the hardest battle I have ever fought. I do not want to listen; I hate listening especially when it is the self who does the talking. I do not want to listen to myself because listening to myself disturbs my being. I hate being disturbed for I am already at peace… Everything is okay as far as my consciousness is concern. Nevertheless deep prayers lead me to realize that I am in deep sleep. It is not true that I am really alright. Thus, I come to the most difficult part of all, the admission that there is something wrong with me.
‘To hear is to obey’ was the constant answer and the most courteous response of the dwarfs in Narnia every time a command was handed on to them. ‘To hear is to obey’ were words that imply immediate following of orders coming from the Kings and Queens that palce. But do I have the same passion to obey every time I hear a command from God or just I let his commands passed like other commands. Isn’t that I didn’t obey because I don’t hear, or I hear but still ignore what I hear?
The whole of my retreat is all about battles. God has given me battles and I am convinced that they are worth fighting for. It is a battle between the many unnamed creatures within me. It is a battle between the thirsts of my human instincts against the thirst of my soul. It is a battle between the feeding of my flesh and the feeding of my spirit. Nevertheless, it is sad to note and I admit that in those battles my spirit hardly wins. Although the spirit is willing to fight, it is always outdone by the strength of my human instincts. Now I move to think that in the many years of my existence it is as if I am governed by my instincts. It is indeed unfortunate to imagine!
The whole of my quest for the Lord is all about battles. It is battles of discovering self-mastery, understanding self-discipline and imposing self-control. The first step to sanctity is not prayer but the Socratesian’s method of “knowing myself.” The great warriors in East did not eat the day before their battles. They never entertained any disturbances external or internal one; they were so focused to their training and so determined to impose discipline in their lifestyle. Thus, no wonder that in every bloody battle against the invaders they always won. And when I speak of sanctity it is always coupled with knowing one self, i.e. self mastery. There is none in our history a saint who just happened to be a saint by chance, sainthood is always a product of free choice – it is done through hard work. The first step, so to speak, is to ‘know thy self.’ However, to know is to listen.
The talking mice and squirrels in the book “The Chronicles of Narnia” were the most sensitive and keen listeners among the all creatures. They observed well because they listened well, and because they listened a lot, they saw a lot. The point of listening then, is seeing. When I listen to the inner voice that calls within, there I see myself. When I listen to the inner craving of my humanity, there I see my strength. When I listen to the deepest desire of my heart, there I see God. Through my experiences of prayer, I am deeply convinced that in listening there lays a great mystery. And if one listens intently, one can see more clearly!
It is through listening intently that the workings of God into my life become clear and vivid. When I speak of seeing the Lord, it didn’t mean of meeting Him eye ball contact, or shaking His hands or seeing Him from a distance and waving my hand like a desperate fan of a celebrity. Seeing God is realizing His presence in the many experiences in good times or in bad times and in high tides or in low tides of my destiny. I attest, God never leave me in my many battles. Even those battles that I was not victorious, still there He was sharing my pains. In no instance that God put me aside, He was always there for me. Unfortunately, it is I who distanced to Him. It is I who tried to cut the ties that bound us together; it is I who refused to be helped by Him. It is not God’s character to be unfaithful. It is always a human temptation to distance one self to Him and the reason is obvious – human selfishness. And even in those moments, God respects our freedom to separate from Him. God never force anybody to love Him!
As I end this reflection, I could only say that my quest for God doesn’t end here. The desire to meet God has been the constant desire of my heart until the day I will die. But in the level of relation to the Lord, I could say I have found Him. In the 30-day retreat I am proud to claim that I was with the presence of God. In the silence of my longing heart, I see the Lord and that seeing Him means one thing, which is following Him. As I prepare myself to the ministry of the priesthood, I am quiet sure that the life I will be taking will never be an easy life. Nevertheless, I have the courage to pursue and even die for it because God is there with me. I have courage to live this priesthood because God wants me to be this. I have courage to defend and protect the Church because God set the example of defending and protecting the chosen people of God.
This dogmatic synthesis presents an overview on how I will live my priesthood. I am thankful more than ever for having this opportunity to put into writing the faith that I believe. This will also serve as the foundation of my faith and a good source of inspiration if time will come that my priesthood is tested and defied in the future.
Where is the Lord? I have found Him. He has been my Good Shepherd, the Loving Father, Loyal Friend and the Source of My Joy. I have found Him and he is residing in my heart. As I found the Lord, He is challenging me to “Remain in my Love… and your joy may complete” (Jn.9:11).
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